ADF-20 "Umbrella 2.0"
http://adr-sandbox.wikidot.com/umbrella-2-0-drafts
Man that took far too long to complete.
I like to suffer creatively :D
ADF-20 "Umbrella 2.0"
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» Writing / ADF Draft Feedback
» ADF-20 "Umbrella 2.0"
Summary:
I've FINALLY finished the first draft!
Ok, read your beautiful evil umbrella draft. I gotta say, this is the first time I saw a 1st draft for which I don't really need to give a lot of feedback on. I am very pleased XD, you're saving me a lot of time here!
With that said, some things I'll mention are:
- There are a couple of phrasing errors, but this will be fixed before publishing, so this is NOT an issue at all.
- Try adding a photo of the umbrella to the article if you can. If you can't, bother the Discord about it XD. I would also be willing to see if I can find or make a photo of the policeman's mummified arm if you want lol. I'm sorry, I just love articles with pictures.
- In your description, you say how the umbrella can vaporise all water in the area below it, but I suggest at least stating that it does so for organic matter as well. "When water, including the water found in organic matter, is introduced to the area of effect, it is anomalously vaporised after 7.27 seconds." will be more than enough to fix this :)
- Even if your description does mention everything you can say about the anomaly, it leaves a couple of plot holes open, so I'll just quickly ask you a few questions that might add a bit more information to it.
Ok, so the first one is about the company you mentioned at the start. "As Advertised on TV". You say it is an "umbrella company", but don't you think it would be better if it's just a generic home appliance company advertising on, well, TV? I'm not sure whether this was done on purpose or not, but I just thought I would point this out. Plus, the company could easily be a RIG page! Some shady anonymous company tied to a lot of anomalous objects, which runs a single commercial selling some weird shit in a random town before moving on to another one, something like that…
Next up, you never mention if the "As Advertised on TV" company is at fault, since you only say how "The only known Umbrella 2.0 is a black collapsible umbrella. No other Umbrella 2.0s have been reported or found anywhere." This is the only thing I'm struggling to understand. Is the only ANOMALOUS umbrella the single black one? Do other non-anomalous variants even exist? If the company were advertising on TV, as the name might suggest, don't you think many more people would've bought it and gotten flash-mummified? If you're going this route, make sure to clear this up. As I said in my little RIG proposal above, the company could've run the commercial locally only once, and Lily could be the only person who bought the umbrella before the company disappeared completely. Or maybe the company had nothing to do with it, and Lily bought the unbrella off some auction or something? Feel free to @ me in the Discord to brainstorm about this even more.
Adding on to this, you never say how Lily got the umbrella! You could literally just add a sentence to your first research log saying "The model of the umbrella directly resembled the umbrella from that weird fever dream of a commercial I saw in the middle of the night. She probably bought the thing after seeing it…".
Other than that, the draft is PRISTINE! The straight-to-the-point tone, the in-depth research logs, the damn lovely censoring of the words whenever you talk shit doodoo about the umbrella… Nice job, this is really well done! Hope to see your article on the wiki soon!!!
The zennest of ions.
Well I'm quite surprised I did so well on draft 1, and thanks for the feedback!
I will be going through my draft and fixing errors, alongside adding more info and clarifying stuff. I really like the idea of having the company be a RIG, so I'll just add that to the ever-growing list of ideas. As for photos, it would be amazing if you could get me a photo of the policeman's mummified arm. I might also need an image of the umbrella as I do not have an umbrella.
Well that's all for now, I'll be back in a week… or a few months depending on how much I procrastinate.
I like to suffer creatively :D
/forum/t-17477623/adf-20-umbrella-2-0#post-
