ADF-009 Vivus Sanguis
http://adr-sandbox.wikidot.com/vivus-sanguis
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ADF-9 Vivus Sanguis
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» ADF-9 Vivus Sanguis
Summary:
What if blood... Was alive? And a parasite?! So it may have taken a month, maybe longer, to finish this because life sucks (and procrastination... yay!) but the first draft is finally finished! Yippee!
YOU'RE ALIVE :D
I just finished writing a GIGANTIC feedback reply on another article posted here, and it's almost 4 AM for me, so I'll read this after I get some much-needed sleep. Just thought I'd let you know I'll get around to it ASAP.
Also, hope you're doing well! It's been a while since you were active on here lol.
The zennest of ions.
Hey hey, I got around to reading your first draft, and I am very pleased :)
We've already talked a lot about the whole idea, so I don't think I have anything else to say about that. It's great, and the draft, being the 1st one, puts that idea into the ADF format very well. The research logs are especially impactful. Great stuff!
First off, you don't have any pictures in your current draft. I can easily make some yellowish liquid and put it in a vial or something and let you use that photo. I'm a photographer after all XD.
So, now for the suggestions and tips, and whatnot.
Generally, ADF numbers don't have any 00's in them. Decided to change this a while ago since it looked too much like SCPs. So, your ADF would have to be "ADF-9". As for the instances, you would number them as "ADF-9/1" again, for originality's sake :)
Also, you do not need to state that it is an "instance" every single time you mention it. Simply writing it as "ADF-9" or "ADF-9/1" can work well.
These are all very minor things that can easily be changed and don't really impact your article at all. It's just for convenience.
Now, for the Current Whereabouts section, I definitely recommend going a bit more in-depth about both the actual parasitic substance and the infected subjects. I would really like to know where the anomaly is contained, which you mention, but I also want to know about what the hell happened to the ADF-9-1 subjects. Have they all been isolated? Are they allowed to be free but under some restrictions? Maybe they need to wear a label on them at all times to let other instances know not to approach them, or something like that? This way, that first section will easily suck the reader in and make them curious about the whole thing, ya feel me?
For the Description section, there is one main, serious problem. BUT WORRY NOT! This can easily be fixed! So, you never mention the MAIN THING! The whole fucked up body horror part and the main danger aspect are completely left out of the description! You definitely need to write about that as the last paragraph in your description, even if you do mention it in the "origin" part and research logs. I don't think I need to explain why this is important lmao. This is literally what makes your anomaly go from "Oh, interesting…" to "WHAT THE FUCK THAT'S HORRIBLE!!!", so absolutely add the whole "instance attacks instance" part to your description.
Other than that, everything else is a 10/10. No mistakes and no plot holes. Just PLEASE mention the big thing.
In the Origin section, which is a really cool and original addition, keep in mind that ADR would never neutralize anyone or anything unless there is no other option. You do mention that some infected subjects were neutralized, so you should definitely provide a reason why that had to be done (maybe because they were caught in the middle of fighting, so the ADR guys felt threatened and didn't know what else to do…?). ADR is meant to be a humane organization that would never cause harm unless there is a major reason to! We're chill like that :)
Oh, now the Research Logs, absolute cinema. Those are awesome. I really like them. But, here's one little important thing. Again, the ADR would never just kill someone unless they genuinely have to, for the safety of humanity. My recommendation here is to say that Jesús wasn't neutralized, but transported to an ADR Collection Facility for further studies. This could also open up a whole storyline about the life of Jesús in the facility, which is neat!
Also, for the test subjects, I highly recommend writing a statement from ADR before the experiment logs, which states that "All test subjects have given permission and volunteered to be tested on while fully knowing the risks. ADR, the ADR Team, and all employees tasked with the ADF-9 case are extremely thankful for your sacrifice for the greater good. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you." This way, there will be no contradiction with the morals of ADR, which are clearly stated on the info page.
All in all, with these changes and additions, you will have an amazing article on our little wiki! I wish you all the luck, and hopefully you don't go missing for another month.
The zennest of ions.
Wow, thank you so much for your feedback! It'd be awesome if you could provide a photo to include. :D
/forum/t-17467217/adf-9-vivus-sanguis#post-
