The "Marison Alley Killer" Draft
http://adr-sandbox.wikidot.com/jameson-rain
There is probably some Grammar errors in there but the article is finished and I think it is at least fine.
The "Marison Alley Killer" Draft
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» The "Marison Alley Killer" Draft
Summary:
Since around 1940s, there has been a killer who can wearing the "costume" of their victim in the alley of this town. Huron Jameson decided that this is going to be his first solo paranormal case and will left it to the ADR Team to deal with after his investigation is over. What could possibly go wrong?
Aw hell yeah, I've been stalking the activity on the sandbox and saw you were working on this for a damn long time, so I'm excited to check it out! I'll let you know when I read it since it's pretty late at the time of writing this.
The zennest of ions.
ok
I'm kinda surprise that you actually check the activity on the sandbox site
Ok, so, WOW!!!
First of all, let me tell you the negatives real quick. You have a lot of grammatical mistakes since I believe English is not your first language, but these can easily be fixed by me before publishing.
Ok, with that out of the way, let me tell you the positives. THIS IS AWESOME!!! WHAT THE FUCK MAN, THIS IS REALLY, REALLY GOOD!!! I LOVE THIS!!!
God, where do I even start… So, the whole article looks like a standard ADF article, but it feels like a story! I didn't even plan on reading the entire thing tonight, but I started, and I just couldn't stop.
The first thing I noticed was that the article is LONG. And I personally love long articles (I mean, you've read my ADF-1. Juniper, my beloved…), but I only love them if they are executed well. This was executed REALLY WELL. Even with all the grammar mistakes, the story unraveled in a buttery smooth way. It had the information, the mystery, the fear of the unknown, straight-up body horror, instantly likeable characters, nice scenery, lore potential, a ton of cats, plot twists, EVERYTHING! The whole thing with Josie, for example, is set up so perfectly. As you're mentioning her, more and more I keep thinking "Wait… There's something wrong. Nahhh, no way." until finally we get to the confirmation that the worst has happened. Your mixing of mystic, ancient "occult" themes and "modern" themes like conspiracy forums and internet theories is greatly executed. The small details you add about your author, like the aluminum hat, the black cars sending him and Hill on random side-quests, and the homeless cats, are just adorable, and a great comic relief. Also, I MUST know every single name of the cats you adopted. The whole "conspiracy theory" vibe you got going is another plus. The thing about the police working WITH the anomaly is a crazy addition to this. I love tiny town mystery horror. Gravity Falls is my favorite cartoon, and It from Stephen King is my favorite horror novel lmao. Idk how the fuck you managed to include everything I love to see in horror fiction in one article. Oh, and the final message you leave for the ADR Team is SO FUCKED UP HAHAHA!
Now, the anomaly itself is FREAKY AS HELL. A dangerous, deadly thing everybody knows about, but nobody knows who or what it is, even what it looks like… Nobody knows its origins, its appearance, or its reasons for doing the things it does. Yet, it exists. It's there. Always. And you just gotta accept that fact. It's the "unknown" aspect that really gets to you with these things. The human/non-human debate plays a good part in this, for example. The fact that groups have formed, still debating and theorizing whether it's one thing or another, even if it supposedly existed for so damn long, is messed up! As I was reading, I was trying to come up with the most plausible theory, feeling like I was part of the story, meaning your article is borderline interactive. Like a fucked up episode of Dora the Explorer lol. Great stuff
Now, here are some questions and suggestions to finalize your ADF:
- Do you give me permission to fix your many, many spelling, grammar, and phrasing mistakes?
- Is the killer's primary form the Caucasian male whose face nobody can remember, who can then "wear" other people's skin to blend in better?
- Will it ever be explained as to why the killer is only active from 5-6 PM? This detail has been mentioned a couple of times, but never really resolved. Is it just left to be a mystery, or will you explain it somehow?
- Can I add an apology note from the ADR Team for being late and publishing the article a couple of days after Hill's birthday to your article? I think this would add a bit of comedy to it :)
- OPTIONAL: Since Marison Johnson is a very important person in your article, you could include a photo of her in it as well. A simple vintage portrait of a woman with her face censored, captioned "Marison Johnson, face censored as requested." would be awesome! I could easily make you the photo if you'd like.
- SUGGESTION: The Ministry of the Preternatural Society should 10000% be a RIG. Please consider adding this to the RIGs page. I NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT IT!!!
- SUGGESTION: You seem to mention 3 new anomalies in your article. Flying Graveyard, Nighty Rose, and Synchronize Garden. I'm praying you will write an ADF about these in the future, since I want to read more about Huron & Hill's shenanigans! Lmk if you ever want to, I'll gladly help you out!
- What ADF number would you like your ADF to have?
And with that, we're done! Please let me know if you have any other questions or additional info or whatever, and good luck! I genuinely hope to see more of your work in the future!
The zennest of ions.
Nice to know that you love the article
Also in case that you wanna know - Thomas is name of one of the cat
So about your question and suggestions:
- Yeah, you are allow to fix my many, many spelling, grammar, phrasing mistakes.
- That is pretty much my intention about what the anomaly is. Granted, I did have an idea about the whole "ADF-X being Caucasian" being bought into question in the article and that it will at least implied that it is just an assumsion make up by litearlly anyone.
- Well, I did indeed left that as mystery and also a reason on why some paranormal community in the ADR Universe believe The Preternatural Candle's thread because the schedule line perfectly with occultcutie4213's workplace on when people suppose to left work (I'm probably forget to add 5-6PM in there) which doesn't mean much since the anomaly could just love 5-6PM for some reason.
- That is actually… FANTASTIC IDEA. Yeah, you have my permission to add that.
- I guess I can do that. Actually, how did you even make a picture like that?
- I did think about the Ministry of Preternatural Society for a while now before the ADR Wiki and I did consider adding them in RIGs page while written this draft and will probably write like more articles expanding the lore of The Ministry. So yeah, I guess they are RIGs now.
- I will write more Huron & Hill's shenanigans.
- How about ADF-7?
Also thanks for reading the article
Thomas is a beautiful name for a homeless cat :)
Alr, thanks for all the answers, that clears things up. I'm glad you're planning on expanding your lore about The Ministry and everything, it's got great potential. As for the photo, leave that to me! I just add black boxes over the eyes and mouth in Photoshop and then edit the photo's colors so that it looks old and spooky hehehe.
ADF-7 it is! I'll make sure to edit all the "ADF-X" while correcting your grammar, so don't worry about that.
So, do you want to make any changes to the article, or can I start fixing the writing mistakes and finalizing it? I'll also make sure to add the spooky Marison Johnson photo at the part where you talk about her. Let me know ASAP!
The zennest of ions.
Sure, I think you should just fixing and finalizing the article
I don't think there is anything else to add in the article
/forum/t-17462409/the-marison-alley-killer-draft#post-
