[Seeking Feedback] The Beholder :O
[Seeking Feedback] The Beholder :O
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» [Seeking Feedback] The Beholder :O
Summary:
What if god... was an ADF-
I need to do some IRL shit, but I'm just dropping this off to let you know I'll review it soon. Your place is reserved either way :D
Very excited to see your god (or perhaps, a false prophet hehehehehe)
Ok, read your article. And let me just tell you, firstly, i LOVE the theme you used for the draft, and THE WORDS SPOKEN BY ADF-10 MOVE??? Dope.
Secondly, and this is a tad bit more serious, if you would like to be the writer of a "gody entity" for the ADR universe, you should take the time to make it stand out as much as possible. Let's get down to business and go over your current draft, and istg don't you even dare think I'm being "mean" or "cold" or whatever since I'm very interested in where this will go :)
Current Whereabouts
You should definitely elaborate on this a bit more. The "Current Whereabouts" is secretly used to hook the reader; to get them excited about reading the rest of the ADF.
The sentence you have is a great start, but build upon that! A top-of-my-head example is "Willingly confined inside Schenkenberg Castle, Switzerland as of XX/XX/XXXX. It had begged us to be collected, even adapting a threatening tone. Due to it's display of great power and knowledge, we had no choice but to comply. It is unknown as to why Schenkenberg Castle was it's choice of residence." See? This way you give some weird context and you make the reader think "Hey, what the hell is so powerful?? And why did it beg to be locked away???" Definitely build upon your initial statement. And say where it was located before being collected because I'm personally curious of this hehehe.
Description
Apart from rough draft gramatical errors, which are not at all a concern currently, this is a good base. But, I got a couple of hopefully useful suggestions. You're free to refuse these, but considering you're writing about an essential, powerful ADR entity, hear them out:
- Start by explaining the physical appearance of the anomaly, then move on to the obvious anomalous properties, then additional observed anomalous properties, then build on the lore, as you have already started, in the research logs. This can make the flow of your article smoother.
- State why it is commonly known as 'The Beholder'. Do the locals, or its worshippers call it that? Did it request to be called that? Why is it called that? Has it spawned a fucked up cult?? Always keep asking yourself these questions and the lore will easily come to mind. Lore will come inside you and fill you up with its yummy lore juice…
- This is optional, but think about its physical appearence. Do you want it to look like the generic biblically accurate angel? If yes, then all right. But at least consider making it's appearence something less predictable if you're going for full-on originality. Either way, I fucking love biblically accurate angels and I love the idea of ADF-10 spawning random things from its ring holes, that's really cool.
All in all, your next step is to turn your rough draft into a slightly smoother draft by making it flow better, connecting information to the lore little by little, and providing more data since this is literally "a god". Have fun :)
Research Logs
I suggest giving as much context as possible in these. Unlike the SCP logs, ADR logs are primarily used to document the developing story of your anomaly, as well as optionally teaching the reader about the character who wrote all of those logs.
In-universe, the ADR website is a public anomaly-oriented library run by 5 weirdos (The ADR Team) whose organization (also called ADR) is funded by a secretive shadow government-type corporation. This is where they get all of their funding, facilities, equipment and employees from. No public data is available about this corporation currently, but that's subject to change.
The ADR website is a platform where anyone can submit a report on an anomaly they have documented, (in-universe also used for contacting ADR to potentially get involved and study the anomaly) and others can read about it. Keep this in mind when writing. If you're used to cold, clinical tones, you can for sure write in that tone! But just keep in mind that these are people unaffiliated with ADR, or working together with ADR while writing these articles. And, in case you want the article to be written by an ADR employee, you should definitely give some context about that (eg. Stating who contacted ADR about a potentially dangerous anomaly in the research logs, and maybe providing the actual message from the person contacting). Theoretically, ADR employees will write articles if instructed by the ADR Team if the anomaly is particularly dangerous or important. I hope this clears things up a bit, and I hope I made sense. I'm really hungover at the moment lol.
Take it slow with the SCP - ADR transition. We're here to help!
The zennest of ions.
ZENION-SEMPAI I FINISHED THE REDO
I finished the remake, its now by an unidentified civilian who chose to remain anonymous, and ADF-10 writes some too! That parts not so nice though…
Anyways click this for Lazar Nudes
Wait, wait, hold on. You're telling me you got actual, real nudes of Lazar. Oh, I need to see this for mys- Wait. My god… Why would you do such a thing?? Is this revenge for the whole femboy thing? Is my location compromised? You crossed a line, man…
(Jokes aside tho that's fucking hilarious and you're pretty damn good at CSS! Can I maybe use that code for a funny little homepage easter egg? You will be credited, ofc.)
Now, let's get down to business and talk about your remade draft.
Current Whereabouts
Ok, I like this. Short, simple, but it explains everything. If you want to have a bit of ADR inclusion, you could also mention why ADR hasn't collected it, since Perfidia class anomalies almost always need to be collected immediately. You could mention how the attempted relocation resulted in, idk, the entire designated ADR collection team getting turned into a pile of dung beetles, maybe even write an "Incident Log" thing for that if you want to expand your article a bit more. This is all optional, but it would be cool to see some ADR - Beholder interactions.
Description
YES!!! Now this is what I like. It's really as if a random civilian wrote about a damn biblically accurate angel. Nothing to say here really except eventually going over and fixing some typos, phrasing, and whatnot, but I can do that for you when you decide to finalize your draft, if there are any mistakes left.
Definitely go over The Beholder's power a bit more. Apart from violently exploding people, what else is it capable of? I liked the 'Mounted' log… You could say, from the writer's perspective, "From what I've seen ADF-10 do, it can be concluded that it is basically capable of creating and destroying anything and everything. It really is an all-powerful entity. Humanity is lucky that it's so passive." Also, talk about its personality in the description. Mention how it appears to be oddly calm, willing, and actually commanding to be locked away; stating that it's "tired", or something. This has the potential to connect everything a bit better, plus it gives more info on the whole anomaly. And here at ADR, WE FUCKING LOVE INFO ON ANOMALIES!!!!
I also suggest, and this is optional, writing about the different forms it can manifest in, since you mention how it can instantly change size. Again, optionallllll!
Research Logs
These are awesome. You show a snippet of its personality and how the writer is not professional whatsoever1. You show how even god cheats (love the whole Uno thing). You talk a bit about the public's reaction. And you have a spooky message at the end :)
BUT WHERE'S MOUNTED??? That whole log about ADF-10 making a mountain disappear for 6 or, idk, 7 seconds (HAHAHAHAH 67 FUCKING SHUT UP). I definitely suggest having a "display of power" log. And the aforementioned collection attempt log!
All in all, this was a pleasing read and I can't wait to see what other shenanigans god will end up in, the silly guy :)
Bonus suggestion: If you would like to have a photo on your ADF, but don't want to just steal a render of a biblically accurate angel online, you could literally just take a pic of a feather and write "A recently detached feather from one of ADF-10's wings. Turned to white dust not long after the photo was taken." or some bullshit explanation XD.
One day, Lazar nudes will be real… T-T
Footnotes
1. "I scribble down a drawing of a mushroom on my clipboard before sliding a copy of the bible to ADF-10." is a QUOTE
The zennest of ions.
HAHAHAHA YOU FELL RIGHT INTO MY TRAP. MY REVENGE IS COMPLETE. LONG LIVE THE FEMBOYS-
Jokes aside, you're a very good reviewer, so lets dig in.
Yes. Hmm what shall I kill this poor collection team with? Ah Ha! I know! A FUCKING LASER BEAM FROM THE HEAVENS.
For desc, okay this is some good suggestions. Don't worry I'll bring back mounted in a different way, when he takes GOD HIMSELF to the mountain he'll accidentally destroy it, panic, bring it back.
Feather is a good idea, maybe a picture of that poor poor 4 year old boy. Images other than yk, GOD HIMSELF.
Also if you want the CSS well tough luck bc every time I try to put it in this msg it yk CSS's and becomes a pop-up. I'll see if I can PM it to you
Ok, my horny goblins vs ADF-10s' horny goblins. Let's see which goblins will out horny the other. Good luck.
Seriously, I am not betraying you this time. I've done enough damage.
Anyway, "A FUCKING LASER BEAM FROM THE HEAVENS" is perfect.
Collection Employee: Hey, uhh, Mr. God? Can we maybe… uhh.. take you with us to our research facility, pretty please??
ADF-10: No. Also, HOLY BLAST!!!
Collection Employee: Huh, wh- [gets raptured]
Moving on, yeah, mounted was great. That has to come back. Also, love the addition of ADF-10 panicking when accidentally pulverizing an entire mountain. Shows how even all-powerful entities can be kinda dumb and childish lol.
Hey, I mean, I have a big-ass withering peacock feather I can snap a pic of rn. As for the unfortunate 4yo, either a pic of the supposed boy with the iconic ADR face censoring, or a pile of ash on the sidewalk will do!
As for the CSS, I'll figure something out! Just wanted to ask IF you'll allow us to use it somewhere on the home page eventually. Maybe like a button you can press that will bring up the popup or something…
The zennest of ions.
Rock.
Anyways I induced my horny goblins with Steroids, they'll break your horny goblins hips-
Yeah, added a quick log which is the collection team is setting up and then ADF-10 just spawns a laser that vaporizes them, and then like 5 minutes later he fixes the hole he made through the planet.
Yeah that feather would work great!
As for the 4yo I most likely won't be able to get a pile of ash, though that would be funny as shit. I most likely will try to find a stock image of a boy and use free photoshop to broke-ass-a-black-box-to-his-face.
Note: I got lazy and just found a shot of a kid with his back turned, so no black box needed.
As for the CSS, yeah we'll do something. Maybe for like ADF-100 or smth we'll have a box that redacts the whole page, kinda smth like the Cursed SCP Number "SCP-048" but for here.
Le feather image: https://adr-sandbox.wdfiles.com/local--files/draft-stuff/feather
The 4yo pic is perfectly eerie. Cool, cool. Hey, I mean, you're almost done tbh!
Just a final suggestion, connect the research logs with the description just a bit more. Say how it is absolutely all-powerful and idk, explain its sheer power. And also intelligence, or lack thereof. When you think you're ready, post the FINAL DRAFT in a new thread. The ADR Team will check it out, do some final touch-ups, and you'll be ready for motherfucking publishing!!!
The zennest of ions.
YES! WE WILL RAPTURE THE ADR!!!!!!
I just posted the final draft in a new thread, maybe a different ADR Team Member will check it too :O
I'm actually super happy with how this played out in the end, and I can't wait to Publish it!!!
Yep, all ready for publishing! Sent it to the other ADR Team members, and they all approved. I posted a reply in your final draft forum post :)
The zennest of ions.
Posted critique for article hope it cool and helpful yes ok, cool, thanks, thumbs up.
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The zennest of ions.
OMG Sorry I've been working on a big writing project for a while and got busy af.
To answer simply, yes I'm working on a complete rewrite.
I will fix the description, I kinda wrote it all in one go without a single plan (I made its story as I went XD) and didn't do that much rewriting. So Imma reorganize that.
For the Beholder thing, YES that is a fucking great idea. WORSHIP THE EYES!!!!!! Maybe I'll make the whole Peter thingy superstition from the new religion.
"yummy lore juice…"
…I have filed 194193 restraining orders-
I like the whole Biblically Accurate Angel thing, I think I'll stick with that. Not the most original but TERRIFYING.
Maybe I'll make it like sometimes have different amounts of wings or smth.
OOOOOH THATS WHAT YOU MEAN BY PUBLIC. I THOUGHT YOU MEANT IRL ITS PUBLIC. YES THAT GIVES A WHOLE NEW LIGHT.
Oh god why have you told me this. I'm going to make it by whatever character you made and commit psychological war crimes ;) (jk)
Yep, you made sense.
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Lorem Ipsum
maybe not so much sense anymore.
Oh yeah and because I can Imma do smth rq to my thread.
/forum/t-17386391/seeking-feedback-the-beholder:o#post-
